forever_hatexxx

this is my first post in a very long time

im embarrased

and ashamed

i thought i'd try to eat properly, enjoy life and really try to stop thinking too much and letting things go too far

and months later all my hard efforts have gone to waste

im fat and ugly again


being "normal" doesnt make you "happy" i feel more insecure than ever

i really think its time to get back in control im fed up of looking like a pig

well ive definatly fucked up today

as per usual : (

so im guna start using this as a diary.

I've eaten far too much today and at the time i thought i'm fed up of worrying so much, bla bla bla

then 5 mins later i felt awful, now its evening and thinking about what i've eaten today makes me feel disgusted and for the first time in a long time i really want to purge. Im not sure if anyone else gets strong and week phases with their eating habits but i definatly do and after being weak i feel extremly low thinking about all the weight ive put on, i havent weighed myself so much lately cos i hate admitting the truth and knowing that im further away from my goals, it frustrates me so much and i just want to cry.

I keep dreaming about food, anything and everything to do with it, why does it have to rule my life...

i really really need to get back into my old habits which worked and i did feel happier when i saw the effects of my body wasting away only i hated that everyone seemed to think it was their business. Why cant i just get on with what i want to do.

I'm making a promise to myself that i'll try harder.

i haven't written on here in a long time and i think thats why everythings just gone wrong. Everyday is the same one side of me is saying eat its fine and the other wont let me and is telling me i'm fat ugly and don't need it.

I can't win and right now i'm as fat as ever so it annoys me when my mum comments saying things like "oh is this just another excuse not to eat" which is what she said at dinner because we argued and i cant eat when i feel like im about to cry, even to try to show her im eating. (ihave to have dinner, so i fast in the day)

Anyways less than a month until my mum goes away and i'll be living alone for 3 weeks, and i cannot wait because i can do whatever i want, empty the house so there is no food for when binges come along and that way i can loose as much as possible and pray that i will soon reach my first goal weight, i wont be happy until i get there, i need it.

I'm fed up of being the fat one, the one whos legs wobble, the one whos concious that everyones whispering how fat she is, the one who envys the beautiful thin ones. I want to be the thin one, the beautiful, strong, fragile, delicate one. I want to be in control, i'll make it, i won't be the pig i have been.

5'6...
GW1 : 110 lbs
GW2: 100 lbs

I know i'll get here someday

i feel like such a failure

all the weight ive lost ive put back on

im fat and ugly and havent even got  the self control anymore to change that


i hate this

i feel like this is never going to end, im never going to be thin, fragile and beautiful.

I will never be happy with myself

forever the disgusting fat pig i am

all because i am a failure at anything, why cant i FOR ONCE actually achieve something i really really want

i need this so bad

: (

is the start of a new me

im getting my long hair cut short

and im buying a decent scales cos i always have to sneak to my mums ones when shes not around or use my shitty ones which arent accurate! So im going to spend the money on some good ones.

does anyone else find it hard to restrict like its either all or nothing


because i find this, like i'll be able to go a few days then suddenly its like i need to eat everyfood possible and the next day i dont want a thing.


Its very frustrating i wish i had more control.


I want to restrict cos i know it will do less damage to my body in the longterm but i just really want to empty the entire house of food and fast until i absolutely have to eat, to stay alive.

From the 1st sept i decided to go back to old habits of sticking to 500 cal restriction. so far so good but i had an idea to avoid binges if say i had one day a week or perhaps every 2 where im allowed a bad food as a treat for staying on track that week.

Maybe then when i crave bad foods i can remind myself im allowed this once a week

Do you think this is a good idea?

Just thinking of the best way to avoid binges?


xx

im going out for dinner tomoro night at a noodle bar

im on 500 cal restriction so im going to liquid fast during the day so i dont have to avoid dinner ( cos it will be very obv.)

What do you reckons the lowest cal thing on the menu here? or im thinking i'll just eat half of whatever i have instead cos rice and noodles arent exactly low calorie!?

http://www.noodlebar.net/images/Noodle_Nation_menu.pdf

My fingernails (underneath) have gone blue and my lips keep going blue too.

I know this is because of bad circulation and i feel so foolish to keep starving myself when its obviously having a bad effect on my body


Does anyone else get this and know any things i can do or eat to improve my circulation.


Im so terrified of the health risks yet i cant stop doing this.

So far eaten nothing : )


BUT i weighed myself to see the damage ive done to myself over these past few weeks of disgusting binges and turns out all my hard work before has gone to waste....im right back where i started im 59 kg, i was 53 kg and my first goal weight was 50 kg.


GREAT! i've got even further to go now, but i will do this.

Its september 1st

new start : )

Im going to reach my goals



Im so determined to do this

okay so i have binged binged binged i am disgusted with how ive been lately and im going to put a STOP to it.

THE PLAN..... tomorrow im restricting to 800 calories to curb the binge

then as of monday 1st september im sticking to strict restriction.

1. must be under 500 calories. no more but preferably less. in fact im going to try and be really strong and eat as little as possible.

2. I will weigh myself once a week.

3. I will fast when i can (when parents arent around, or i can make up excuses).

4. When my mum goes away, i will empty the house of food and only keep a small stash of fruit and vegetables for when i absolutly need them.

5. I will reach my goal 8 stone within 2 months.

6. I will take progress pictures monthly.


7. I will be strong. I will be in control.

I CAN DO THIS

Fallen out with my friends and my boyfriend was also mad at me cos he said i put planning my food or what not to have and obsessing over it before him.

I feel like im loosing everyone because of this but i cant stop and no one seems to understand that

binge binge binge

is all ive done

its fucking disgusting this has to stop i can feel the fat clinging against me already yet i cant stop eating these past 2 weeks.


I need my control back all my hard work is going to waste

:(

been on a binge for a week now. its not an excuse but being that time of the month i completly loose any self control.

Have to go back to college in 2 weeks and at this rate im going to be too embaressed to even go! Times like these i feel like im never going to reach my goal weight and be miserable and hate myself forever. I wish i lived alone then i would empty the house of food and i could just stop thinking about it.


This feels like its never going to end im constantly going to be up and down. im never going to be happy with myself.

i put on 4 lbs last week and its my period week so that probably doesnt help

so basically back to where i was before 8 stone 12 lbs

I want 8 stone.

Im hungary right now but im going to have a honey and lemon tea - 46 cals


Im determined to get back into my habits that are being ruined by family and now friends watching my everymove, i know its only cos they care but something inside me hates them for it because i just want to get on with this.

490 today :)


my best friend has geussed whats going on with me i dont know whether thats good or bad because i dont want her to make a fuss but then im glad because it shows how well she knows me. Taken almost a year though


hmmph

Going to a festival thurs till mon

Therefore guna live on sweetcorn,tuna,apples. Basically guna bring food that i plan to have stick to my meal plans as i wont bring anything else and very little money. :))

500 cals or less (hopefully less) everyday. I can get back into my old habits again.

because im still recovering from a throat infection

and ive already burst a blood vessel in my eye from purging too much

why do i do this to myself ? : (